In Part 1 we explored the crucial conversation that entails whether it is a safe environment and paying attention to other people’s behavior.
Remember that it is necessary to focus on your own behavior and how you behave under stress. It is important to observe what kind of an impact you are having so that, if possible, you can create a safer space. You can use the following link to check your behavior type:
http://www.crucialconversations.com/sus
In all dialogue that you enter, you must be able to step out of the conversation content and you can do that through deep breathing or stepping into the bathroom. Whatever it takes to get centered.
It is important to remember what you hope to gain from a meeting and to make the environment safe. Recognizing and starting a dialogue by inviting the person or persons to discuss the goals of the conversation is a good way to start. Looking for the Mutual Purpose of the meeting can help to make everyone feel safe.
When Mutual Purpose is at risk we can acknowledge to ourselves that this meeting is not going to work. Look for defensiveness, hidden agendas, accusations and circling back to the same topic.
Look for:
Do others believe I care about their goals in this conversation?
Do they trust my motives?
It is important to show respect to your colleagues and this means that you listen and respond to them. Pay attention to the response that colleagues show when they feel disrespected. When people get defensive they can become angry, pout, yell, name-call, make threats or become sarcastic.
When we have empathy with someone it becomes more difficult to disrespect them.
Self Observation will allow you to see your part in charging a situation so that when it happens you are able to apologize. If the apology is sincere you will have returned the conversation back to a safe zone.
If through a misunderstanding, someone gets offended or sees you in a negative way then it is time to use Contrast:
Addresses other’s concerns that you don’t respect them or that you have a malicious purpose.
Confirms your respect or clarifies your purpose.
Contrasting is not apologizing. It is a way of clarifying our intentions so that feelings are not hurt more than they should be.
When there is no misunderstanding and we have different purposes than we need to use a stronger tool. CRIB
Commit to seek Mutual Purpose. Stay in the conversation until you come up with a compromise.
Recognize the Purpose Behind the Strategy. Separate demand from purpose.
Invent a Mutual Purpose. A purpose more motivating than the one creating conflict.
Brainstorm New Strategies. Join forces in finding a solution for everyone.
Patterson, Kerry; Grenny, Joseph; McMillan, Ron; Switzler, Al – Crucial Conversations (McGraw Hill 2002 pgs 68-87)
